Boys Boys Boys

So I still haven't even told either of you much about this guy situation. Basically it came out of no where. Since this is not the first time I've dealt with such an out of the blue romance craziness, I'm gonna sum up my experiences as of late.

Seriously, what do guys think they are? They don't realize how much power they possess and I don't mean over women like keeping us down or in control or whatever, I mean the power they contain to bring joy and happiness into our lives (and yeah sadness or more commonly frustration) in just a moment. Cause truly like Hitch said, "No woman wakes up saying 'God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!'" I mean truth there are times that trying to add in a partner is waay more difficult (i.e. right now for me) but even still, we want someone to come along that is worth the risk, our time, and the challenges that will inevitably occur.

I have no idea how this whole finding a guy thing works. At all. It just seems that recently men have been falling into my lap. Now my insecurities would say, o this is just total luck and I have no control over what is happening. Yeah, I'm probably kidding myself there. I know I control a lot more of my life than I want to admit to. I have finally become whole by myself. I love myself for who I am. Realizing I am not perfect but being willing to strive to be a better person. Not that you can be in a relationship and be uber insecure and have it work out, but its going to be difficult. That's why dating in high school and such is such a joke sometimes. How can you figure out how to be with someone else when you barely know who you are and what you want.

Moving along, boys will pop up out of no where. You are a beautiful, smart, kind girl. They will find you. It might take a while, usually that's cause they understand they are not worthy of you or are intimidated. Yeah, its annoying, cause you'd rather they try and be able to weed through them yourself, but probably not going to work that way. Then when they do start pursuing you it seems so unexpected. Like you've been this pretty awesome girl for quite a while now… why just now are all these males realizing this, and how am I suppose to manage? Who are the guys worth friending, who should you politely run away from, who just want your body, and who wants your heart? Better yet, who is worthy of having a part of your heart?

I just threw a bunch of questions at you. I wish I had the answers to them. It would make my life a whole lot easier for sure. That's the hard/fun/scary/exciting part about romance. You are literally walking in blind to every situation. Even if you've been in serious relationships in the past, each one is different from the last and you have to figure them out. It's intriguing to work at figuring someone out so intently. I am sure there will be more on this topic as the year progresses but I needed to create a base. Haha Perhaps this is also for me and my mind. It is so cluttered with boy thoughts. Which is good and unfortunate. Anyway, trust in yourself and know that any guy would be so lucky to have you. If the guy you want to be with doesn't realize that, then maybe you should rethink why you want him to begin with. You deserve to be adored.

The Handbook

Awhile ago I started a project for two friends. I decided to write down all the wisdom I have accumulated over the 3ish years I have spent in college. I told them it would be a handbook on how to survive or just deal with whatever college throws at you. I started off strong doing one entry a week. Then as is typical, life takes over and you no longer think there is time for such personal assignments. Over this break I plan to catch up and post them here. Telling myself I have to post a new one weekly on the blog hopefully will keep me more accountable. So now it begins, I'm hoping to have at least 14 posted by the end of break.

Here's the First Week.

I told you I would give you a mini handbook about the college experience and I'm sticking to it. Part of it is because I think it would have been helpful to know this stuff ahead of time, or at least know that someone else has been through the same thing. But also really this (selfishly) is for me, a reflection on my past four years at Hope College and the crazy randomness that occurred and I learned from. I am going to try my hardest to make sure I do at least one entry a week. There are about 36 weeks until graduation ( yes I just counted) so I'll try to reach a goal of 36 for you. Who knows if I'm feeling up to it maybe I'll keep going into summer and add more life/summer experiences. Since we all know summer is its own world really, with its own intriguing tales.

Focus, okay so I'm gonna be back tracking and skipping around, bear with me. I think since it’s the first week of school I'll tell you about my freshman year move-in this week. I'm not sure if you know this story already but the roommate I lived with was not the roommate Hope assigned to me. First I was going to room with this girl Maria. She was actually from Kalamazoo and went to K Christian. Seems cool right, I could easily meet her and get to know her right away. Well plans went awry and I didn't meet her until this Hope Picnic in July. I introduce myself, super nervous and kinda feeling insecure, and she basically is cold and blows me off. This sends me into a panic. My roommate sucks, we will never be friends, how can I live with such a girl!? After a good cry fest in the car, my mom and I went to figure out what my options were.

Conveniently, I had been fb messaging with a girl who had yet to hear back from her roommate and was also freaking out about it. I decided to ask her how she felt about possibly being my roommate for the year, and she said she was thinking about asking me the same thing. So we made the switch so that we were both free from our unappealing roommates. Magically, Brittany and I ended up getting along and though there were minor set backs (I'm sure I'll get to those in this handbook) I couldn't have asked for a better Freshman year roommate experience.

Story time aside, basically what I want to let you know is that going away to college is freaking scary. No need to feel weird about thinking it is, but if you don't think its scary that's okay too. People have their own ways of handling new situations. Clearly things were not going swimmingly for me but that doesn't mean it won't end up working out. Sometimes you have to deal with the hardship to grow and learn about yourself. After that’s all said and done you come out on the other side being a better person and if you're fortunate you get something, like an awesome roommate, out of the deal.

Also, before college starts just know your mom/dad will be bugging you about any and everything they can. Let them. If it really starts to wear you down, kindly let them know that as much as you love them you need a bit of space to just be. Since you're the baby it really could go either way. They might be ready to kick you out and have their own place again or be afraid of becoming empty nesters. Really its about a 50/50 chance of either.

blessed

Lots to catch up on.

In Summary: I have an extremely blessed life and its freaking incredible.

To begin, by the end of this semester I feel like I finally found my groove. I not only am confident in who I am but I've collected a group of amazing friends along the way. Who knew that a failed fake kidnapping would lead to such a bond with our bros. Freshman year I would have never guessed that I would eventually be spending my nights at cent house. These guys are sassy and crazy and they make my life so much more entertaining. I would have sincerely regretted missing out on a chance to know them. While it sucks I only have one more year with them, I know next year will be stellar. I cannot wait to see what antics will go down.

Speaking of mischievousness, who knew once you start you just can't stop! (: But I'll have to learn to control myself since I will be in charge. Another awesome thing, being elected into such a large role is awe-inspiring. The fact that my girls trust me enough to give me such an honor blows my mind. My life is truly in God's hands not my own. I would have never predicted this for myself but I that is what happens I suppose when you give it all up to Him and trust that He knows best. He will help me through this presidency and even though I know it won't be a cake walk, I will love everything it will teach me about myself and others.

I've discovered my love for knowing people on deeper level. After watching and being apart of the Psi class' journey and then spending time to know them individually, I realized how everyone has a story and I love to hear them. Also, I have been able to develop a close friendship with a girl I hardly knew a month ago. She is teaching me so much about myself while I am able to know her better. I am so grateful that God puts people like this in your life. It makes you think that life can still be like kindergarten. You can just meet someone and instantly be bffs, no questions asked.

I love how summer is always such a special period in life. Everything gets a bit calmer while at the same time there is this spark, which can either blow up in your face or produce an awesome fireworks show. Last year, I faced this and I clearly ended up with a bit of both. This year I hope I have become wiser. Admittedly, it is hard to only listen to logic when your emotions/feelings are craving something else. While I have been trying to live my life a bit less cautiously it is hard to keep from just living a reckless life. As one of my favorite quotes says:

"Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks"

Striving to live this is much harder than I imagined. Sometimes I still feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want to experience life to the fullest while still maintaining my values. It's a tricky path, often I end up in a cloud of confusion, but I thrive on those perplexing moments. They make life worth living.

Game of Love

All I can think about is where to begin...
It's been quite a while since my last entry and life has evolved and changed in ways I would have never predicted. Guess that is just the beauty of God's plan. Even when I don't know what I want for myself He does.
I'm afraid of letting go of what control I think I have over my life. I don't want to let go of past people for fear I may need or want them around in the future. To grow and learn sometimes this is the only way. Trying to sort through life without hindrances. Even if you care deeply for someone they don't always belong in your life.
I want to control my heart. I tell myself I don't have time, there's no one interested, there's no one interesting, its too complicated and I don't need it right now. Maybe on some level I just say those things to protect my heart. I am completely freaked out by the idea that one day I will be so vulnerable that I will let someone else take control over my heart when I hand my love over to him. And all I can do is have faith and hope that he will want to do the same.
It is all such a gamble. and I am not big into taking risks. Everything that goes into finding a love, having a lover, being in love is such a game. I am pretty sure I never got the instructions to this game cause I am really good at following rules. Maybe I have to start being more reckless with my heart. If you get out what you put in, then why don't I put in more effort. Even if I am too busy or there is no one I want what could it hurt to try this thing called love.
I'm not expecting to fall in love tomorrow or even this month. but some day, I will. Why not start learning the game of love now. Its a confusing game that doesn't come with all the pieces and probably could be updated with clearer rules (or rules at all). I don't know if there is a strategy to this game or if it is just a game full of chance. I'm excited to figure out though.
I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to worry about a thing like Love. Thank you Lord for gracing me with the life I have. I pray that You help me stay open to all the possibilities of love. I would love to feel giddy and overjoyed. Help me share my love with everyone I meet, but also guide me to realize who my heart belongs with.
I do want to fall in love. but I also want to experience everything before that moment. It is some of the hardest, confusing times (so I hear) but it sounds rewarding and I want to feel all life has to offer. The good, the bad, and the beautiful.

--------

say something.
our story could have penned a script.
so what is the ending, our ending?
say anything.
let me know you cared
get angry, be sad, ask questions.
you need time. i needed space.
you want me to say it first.
i know you. that is what you want.
you never like beginning conversations
but this one i can't start, not yet
believe me i want to.
there's so much i want to say.
if you had just asked. anything.
i would have explained all that i could
but you didn't. i don't why i expected you would
that's not you. i knew that already.
so we will stay in limbo, waiting for the other to make the first communication
but you need time.

11/5

you still need time.
i hate that you're hurting. i am too.
you probably wouldn't believe that though
i am here for you. no matter what.
you just need time to figure out why i had to do this
it is going to be good for you. and me.
i'm trying so hard to do the right thing.
just trust me. actually place your trust in God.
He has this all planed out. and it is going to be an amazing life for both of us.
together or apart.
just give it time

love song for no one

thinking about love:

i think love is all about timing, when its the right time in your life you will just find your love
that once you've met them you cant imagine having a day without them

i want to find a complimentary love
i believe that this love is stronger than a passionate love
passion comes and goes
friendship and partnership is a lifetime

i want that one person makes me stronger and better
with him i can do anything knowing he'll be there for me
i want to do the same for him

i want to be challenged
i want to be happy with the person i am with everyday
i want the nicest thing

i believe i'm ready for a love


i am ready to love.

i ain't missing you at all

"I ain't missin' you
No matter what my friends say"

you make me so happy. I don't know what to act on. I do not trust the things you tell me but lately your actions have spoken volumes. I just have to trust God. I pray every day to understand His plan. You were put in my life for a reason and I can't wait to know why. so just get home safe soon cause I want to see what happens. You intrigue me and i can't help myself from being interested in you. even though there are hundreds of reasons i should not pursue this, you might be worth it. later though not now.

timing is always everything
and for now i just need a snuggle buddy

"I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile"

i hope you all are having a safe and wonderful trip. please come home having grown closer to each other not farther. I do not enjoy the separation between all of my good friends.

lastly, thank you for all of the amazing people you have put in my life this summer. they have all had a part in changing me for the better and i hope they know my love for them even though i have known them for a short while.
while i may not want to grow up, i do like learning new things as i age