blessed

Lots to catch up on.

In Summary: I have an extremely blessed life and its freaking incredible.

To begin, by the end of this semester I feel like I finally found my groove. I not only am confident in who I am but I've collected a group of amazing friends along the way. Who knew that a failed fake kidnapping would lead to such a bond with our bros. Freshman year I would have never guessed that I would eventually be spending my nights at cent house. These guys are sassy and crazy and they make my life so much more entertaining. I would have sincerely regretted missing out on a chance to know them. While it sucks I only have one more year with them, I know next year will be stellar. I cannot wait to see what antics will go down.

Speaking of mischievousness, who knew once you start you just can't stop! (: But I'll have to learn to control myself since I will be in charge. Another awesome thing, being elected into such a large role is awe-inspiring. The fact that my girls trust me enough to give me such an honor blows my mind. My life is truly in God's hands not my own. I would have never predicted this for myself but I that is what happens I suppose when you give it all up to Him and trust that He knows best. He will help me through this presidency and even though I know it won't be a cake walk, I will love everything it will teach me about myself and others.

I've discovered my love for knowing people on deeper level. After watching and being apart of the Psi class' journey and then spending time to know them individually, I realized how everyone has a story and I love to hear them. Also, I have been able to develop a close friendship with a girl I hardly knew a month ago. She is teaching me so much about myself while I am able to know her better. I am so grateful that God puts people like this in your life. It makes you think that life can still be like kindergarten. You can just meet someone and instantly be bffs, no questions asked.

I love how summer is always such a special period in life. Everything gets a bit calmer while at the same time there is this spark, which can either blow up in your face or produce an awesome fireworks show. Last year, I faced this and I clearly ended up with a bit of both. This year I hope I have become wiser. Admittedly, it is hard to only listen to logic when your emotions/feelings are craving something else. While I have been trying to live my life a bit less cautiously it is hard to keep from just living a reckless life. As one of my favorite quotes says:

"Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks"

Striving to live this is much harder than I imagined. Sometimes I still feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want to experience life to the fullest while still maintaining my values. It's a tricky path, often I end up in a cloud of confusion, but I thrive on those perplexing moments. They make life worth living.

Game of Love

All I can think about is where to begin...
It's been quite a while since my last entry and life has evolved and changed in ways I would have never predicted. Guess that is just the beauty of God's plan. Even when I don't know what I want for myself He does.
I'm afraid of letting go of what control I think I have over my life. I don't want to let go of past people for fear I may need or want them around in the future. To grow and learn sometimes this is the only way. Trying to sort through life without hindrances. Even if you care deeply for someone they don't always belong in your life.
I want to control my heart. I tell myself I don't have time, there's no one interested, there's no one interesting, its too complicated and I don't need it right now. Maybe on some level I just say those things to protect my heart. I am completely freaked out by the idea that one day I will be so vulnerable that I will let someone else take control over my heart when I hand my love over to him. And all I can do is have faith and hope that he will want to do the same.
It is all such a gamble. and I am not big into taking risks. Everything that goes into finding a love, having a lover, being in love is such a game. I am pretty sure I never got the instructions to this game cause I am really good at following rules. Maybe I have to start being more reckless with my heart. If you get out what you put in, then why don't I put in more effort. Even if I am too busy or there is no one I want what could it hurt to try this thing called love.
I'm not expecting to fall in love tomorrow or even this month. but some day, I will. Why not start learning the game of love now. Its a confusing game that doesn't come with all the pieces and probably could be updated with clearer rules (or rules at all). I don't know if there is a strategy to this game or if it is just a game full of chance. I'm excited to figure out though.
I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to worry about a thing like Love. Thank you Lord for gracing me with the life I have. I pray that You help me stay open to all the possibilities of love. I would love to feel giddy and overjoyed. Help me share my love with everyone I meet, but also guide me to realize who my heart belongs with.
I do want to fall in love. but I also want to experience everything before that moment. It is some of the hardest, confusing times (so I hear) but it sounds rewarding and I want to feel all life has to offer. The good, the bad, and the beautiful.

--------

say something.
our story could have penned a script.
so what is the ending, our ending?
say anything.
let me know you cared
get angry, be sad, ask questions.
you need time. i needed space.
you want me to say it first.
i know you. that is what you want.
you never like beginning conversations
but this one i can't start, not yet
believe me i want to.
there's so much i want to say.
if you had just asked. anything.
i would have explained all that i could
but you didn't. i don't why i expected you would
that's not you. i knew that already.
so we will stay in limbo, waiting for the other to make the first communication
but you need time.

11/5

you still need time.
i hate that you're hurting. i am too.
you probably wouldn't believe that though
i am here for you. no matter what.
you just need time to figure out why i had to do this
it is going to be good for you. and me.
i'm trying so hard to do the right thing.
just trust me. actually place your trust in God.
He has this all planed out. and it is going to be an amazing life for both of us.
together or apart.
just give it time

love song for no one

thinking about love:

i think love is all about timing, when its the right time in your life you will just find your love
that once you've met them you cant imagine having a day without them

i want to find a complimentary love
i believe that this love is stronger than a passionate love
passion comes and goes
friendship and partnership is a lifetime

i want that one person makes me stronger and better
with him i can do anything knowing he'll be there for me
i want to do the same for him

i want to be challenged
i want to be happy with the person i am with everyday
i want the nicest thing

i believe i'm ready for a love


i am ready to love.

i ain't missing you at all

"I ain't missin' you
No matter what my friends say"

you make me so happy. I don't know what to act on. I do not trust the things you tell me but lately your actions have spoken volumes. I just have to trust God. I pray every day to understand His plan. You were put in my life for a reason and I can't wait to know why. so just get home safe soon cause I want to see what happens. You intrigue me and i can't help myself from being interested in you. even though there are hundreds of reasons i should not pursue this, you might be worth it. later though not now.

timing is always everything
and for now i just need a snuggle buddy

"I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile"

i hope you all are having a safe and wonderful trip. please come home having grown closer to each other not farther. I do not enjoy the separation between all of my good friends.

lastly, thank you for all of the amazing people you have put in my life this summer. they have all had a part in changing me for the better and i hope they know my love for them even though i have known them for a short while.
while i may not want to grow up, i do like learning new things as i age

Love To Love Me Back

Finally.
I never expected God to excite me in this manner. But man how giddy I have become. I wait for more. Expecting nothing, but hoping for a grand miracle. The kind of miracle that happens when two people love each other the same way at the same time.
There is nothing I need to happen. I just enjoy feeling this way. If this ends tomorrow I will no doubt be disappointed but I will look back and be thankful for how awake I have become to life.
please God. Let me be open to new experiences, let me forget caution and live in the moment. Reveling in the amazing world you have created where beings can care so deeply for one another.
show me what you have planned. whether it be him or just thanking him for all he has engaged me to feel.


this summer has been a great beginning to a different year.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

I don't want to grow up.
Or rather I am not ready to act my age. This is why I have always been friends with people younger than me. That way when they are finally old enough to be experiencing things I might be ready to experience them myself.
These next few years will not be the easiest.
Will I revert back and avoid growing up by finding younger friends. possibly losing the others? It is the easiest way out but i don't Want that to happen.
People are asking how things will change. Only time will tell. While i am hopeful things will work out, i can't help but feel that it may just explode in front of my eyes.

On another note:
I cannot remember the last time I have been truly excited. The giddy, nonstop smile, and bouncy nature that takes over when there is a big event or a new crush.
Its like when you're sick and you can't remember what it was like to be that sick. I can't remember how it feels to be so joyous.
I miss that feeling.
I think... I need something to be elated about.

i need to be awoken to something bigger than me.