All I can think about is where to begin...
It's been quite a while since my last entry and life has evolved and changed in ways I would have never predicted. Guess that is just the beauty of God's plan. Even when I don't know what I want for myself He does.
I'm afraid of letting go of what control I think I have over my life. I don't want to let go of past people for fear I may need or want them around in the future. To grow and learn sometimes this is the only way. Trying to sort through life without hindrances. Even if you care deeply for someone they don't always belong in your life.
I want to control my heart. I tell myself I don't have time, there's no one interested, there's no one interesting, its too complicated and I don't need it right now. Maybe on some level I just say those things to protect my heart. I am completely freaked out by the idea that one day I will be so vulnerable that I will let someone else take control over my heart when I hand my love over to him. And all I can do is have faith and hope that he will want to do the same.
It is all such a gamble. and I am not big into taking risks. Everything that goes into finding a love, having a lover, being in love is such a game. I am pretty sure I never got the instructions to this game cause I am really good at following rules. Maybe I have to start being more reckless with my heart. If you get out what you put in, then why don't I put in more effort. Even if I am too busy or there is no one I want what could it hurt to try this thing called love.
I'm not expecting to fall in love tomorrow or even this month. but some day, I will. Why not start learning the game of love now. Its a confusing game that doesn't come with all the pieces and probably could be updated with clearer rules (or rules at all). I don't know if there is a strategy to this game or if it is just a game full of chance. I'm excited to figure out though.
I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to worry about a thing like Love. Thank you Lord for gracing me with the life I have. I pray that You help me stay open to all the possibilities of love. I would love to feel giddy and overjoyed. Help me share my love with everyone I meet, but also guide me to realize who my heart belongs with.
I do want to fall in love. but I also want to experience everything before that moment. It is some of the hardest, confusing times (so I hear) but it sounds rewarding and I want to feel all life has to offer. The good, the bad, and the beautiful.
